Thursday, February 23, 2017


Welcome to another edition of notes.

Dear Students,

What is so important that it cannot wait the 30 seconds it takes for you to walk down the stairs and outside the building before getting on your phone?  Are you aware of the 30+ people around you?  Also, did you know it's a dumb idea to sit in front of a door that swings outward?  Yes, I will hit you next time and not apologize.

Dear Neighbors,

Please, please, please take down your Christmas decoration.  Also, please put an exhaust fan in your living room on high because whatever the fuck you are burning is unbearable. On another note, I applaud your ability to finally learn how to park your car straight and not take up two spaces.  Congratulations.

Dear Adults with Small Children,

Do not allow your small child to run up to a strange/unfamiliar dog.  Especially if the child is bigger than the dog.  This is how they get bitten.  To the guy at the dog park last weekend, I purposely moved my dog halfway across the lawn to avoid this situation.  Take note of the dog's behavior.

Dear Apartment Manager,

Why are you planning to raise my rent if I renew my lease?  I've been there two years now, wouldn't that allow for some grandfather clause or something?

Dear The Hunchback of Notre Dame,

I do not like you.  I may not finish you.  And that's disappointing.

Dear 30 Day Flat Belly Challenge,

My belly is not even the slightest bit flatter.  In fact, it's poochier.  What the hell is up with that?  Is this one of those things where you see no difference until the last day?  Fuck that.

Dear Filing Cabinet,

I've put off cleaning and organizing you for over two years.  I've even moved apartments with you a complete mess.  Guess what, we are going to spend some quality time together this weekend.  I may need some emotional support though because this task is daunting.

Dear Missouri Weather,

You are stupid.  Either be winter or be spring.  Do not be some messed up combination of the two.

Dear Coworkers at my Part Time Job,

You are a lot of fun and all, but cleaning the bathrooms takes about 10 minutes in total.  Do it.  Every night.   I would hate to need to use the bathroom at your house if this is how you approach cleaning.  Gross.

Dear Michael's,

I am coming to see you during lunch!  Please do not disappoint.

Dear Starbucks,

I love you.

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